And I am small again

21 Jan 2016

I get that once in a while, and hate this feeling of inadequacy intensely.

All was well until I spoke to Jeffrey. He used to look like a kid; gangly with glasses that only a mom could buy. Now his hair was groomed, his glasses upgraded to those Korean fashion sort, and his outfit is stylish. When asking how he is, small talk and such, I told him that he's looking good, and he had this look on his face and turned away from the conversation shortly after.

Onslaught of memories. Back then when I'm trying to get along with that Chinese bunch, I genuinely thought that Ivan's sister is cute and said so. He then said something to the effect of trying to polish Ivan's shoes (as he is gonna be the manager). And I replied, Uh, I didn't compliment Ivan. It's his sister that I think is cute. But then conversation just ended abruptly.

It's almost ridiculous how a Form 4 punk can make you feel shitty. More likely that you are already feeling small, and lacking, and it's just tipping you over the edge.

Back to current time; probably worth mentioning that he recently won 2nd place in a latte art championship, and maybe thought that I was trying to butter him up. Bitch, please. You're not that important in my circle of interest.

I'd like to think I've grown so much as a person, being there. Crushing one's idealism and to not take to heart how people treat you. Just to keep growing. That would be ideal, but what is life without its mix of FMLs and momentary idealisms that we keep in our hearts that drives you on?

Another lesson that I will execute now, from my experiences: Don't linger.

    I went there with Jen because the brownie Casey brought to work from there was amazeballs. Found out that it was Ivan's recipe, and though I don't respect him in certain ways, I do for his culinary skills and some other things. Ben was there, all tanned; his Instagram was recently filled with photos of the very beautiful Filipino beaches. It was good to talk to him again. I remember one vulnerable moment back in VCR where I broke down, confessing to him that I'm feeling entirely alone here... and he responded back, And what did you think I feel? I'm away from my family, my friends and home. 

   When I left, there too was the growing 'Chinese' speaking bunch at the office. Ben nor Lionel speaks Mandarin, and it was incredibly alienating AND unprofessional. I was on the universal language faction, and we didn't really fancied that either.

Kenneth brewed our long blacks, and told me of updates with the machines (IMS screens!). I didn't know, but he was a participant in the recent Brewers' Cup. He joined after I left VCR, and I liked him because he seems to have a pleasant character. It's really cool to remember the complete newbie back then, to now see someone who is very skilled, making connections with roasters and being confident in talking to people. He was a quiet, smiley guy when he first got in.

Jen as usual would have to sit tOn the bright side, had a good talk with Jen about our weaknesses. Mine is discipline and he told me he'll help me with that

22/01
Happy day, until afternoon.

23/01

Jen, maybe we should start thinking about reactions. are you willing to do that with me? because even me, i feel scared.